Plenty of Fish, Empty Conversations

As a social experiment, I recently changed my POF profile into something much more provocative and overtly sexy just to gauge the difference in male responses. The results were immediate, predictable, and honestly a little depressing.
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The messages poured in. Most were sexual. Many were disrespectful. Some were so vulgar and socially tone-deaf that I found myself thinking, there is absolutely no way these men would speak this way to a woman standing in front of them in public. The anonymity of dating apps has created a strange culture where basic courtesy seems optional the second a woman posts a confident or attractive photo.

None of this surprised me. It confirmed something I already suspected: many people on dating apps are looking for the path of least resistance. Instant gratification. Minimal effort. No curiosity beyond physical attraction.
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Unfortunately, I cannot compete with that — nor do I want to. I still believe in standards, ethics, compatibility, and mutual respect. Apparently that makes me part of a shrinking minority.
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What disappointed me most was not the sexual comments themselves. Attraction is normal. Desire is normal. I am not offended by sexuality. What disappointed me was how few men showed even the slightest interest in me as a person.
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Not one asked about my education.
Not one asked about my work.
Not one commented on the parts of my profile that actually revealed who I am.
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I am a professor. A teacher. A Harvard graduate. A race car driver on weekends. A woman who has spent years building a career, continuing her education, and becoming someone I’m proud of. Yet none of that seemed to matter the second attractive photos entered the equation.
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The profile could have said I cure cancer between lunch breaks and rescue stranded astronauts as a hobby, and I’m fairly certain the response still would have been: “Hey sexy.”
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That realization is not flattering. It is insulting.
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Because beneath all the polished words about “wanting a real connection,” too many people still reduce women to body parts first and human beings second. The assumption becomes that if a woman is attractive, confident, sexual, or comfortable in her own skin, she must also be desperate, emotionally available on demand, or lacking standards.
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What many men fail to understand is that sexy photos are not always for them. Sometimes they are for the woman herself — proof that she still feels alive, attractive, confident, and vibrant regardless of age. Confidence should not automatically invite disrespect.
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And perhaps that is the most discouraging part of modern dating culture: the louder a woman’s confidence becomes, the less humanity some people seem willing to extend to her.
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I went into this experiment hoping maybe one man would surprise me. Maybe one would ask what I was passionate about. Maybe one would want to know what kind of books I read, what drives me, what scares me, what excites me beyond a photograph.
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Instead, most simply saw an opportunity.
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And that says far more about modern dating culture than it does about me.